Guest Book
|
Site Map
|
Privacy Policy
|
Disclaimer
|
Credits
|
Glossary
|
Help
An unfortunate fellow called Pippin,
Indulged in too much Guinness sipping,
His stools were so large,
Some big as a barge,
A definite hazard to shipping.
Nick Cheek
Limericks thought up in the pub. Bad taste, poor English, bad rhymes, profanities a-go-go, suspect syllable counts. Best get drunk before reading them. Think you can do better? Then submit your own here
Oh dear, some of have had a go. I thought mine were bad! You can’t spell, can’t rhyme, and some of you don’t seem to understand the concept of the limerick! So about up to par with my earlier examples then!
Now since most of you don’t seem to know what a limerick is this is the definition from dictionary.com:
A light humorous, nonsensical, or bawdy verse of five anapestic lines usually with the rhyme scheme aabba.
This is apparently rather advanced for most of you! In my humble opinion Benny Doherty is by far the most prolific author of less than correct limericks (well done!). Have a look at the latest submissions (at the bottom of the page) if you doubt me!
Oh help, I name and shame and what happens? I get another four limericks from Benny overnight! Still at least the rhyming pattern is correct now, besides flattery works wonders.
Please note the names associated with submitted limericks are those of the submitter, and not necessarily the original author. Submitters please try for original creations!
There was a young man from Bombay
who made a false fanny from clay
but the heat from his dick
turned the cunt to a brick
and wore all his foreskin away
Paul (edited so it scans!)
There was a young lady from Izores,
who’s fanny was covered in sores,
the dogs in the street,
wouldn’t eat the green meat,
on the bits that hung down from her drawers.
Neil G
There was an old man from Harrow
Who tried to have sex with a sparrow.
The sparrow said "No,
You can’t have a go,
As the hole in my arse is too narrow".
Smudge
It was a fine day in June
It must have been mid afternoon
As time flew by
I let out a sigh
And decided to go to the saloon
Pic
little miss chuffit
sat on my tuffit
eating my curds and whahey
she swallowed a lump
let out a big pump
and smelt bad the rest of the day.
Kalpesh Vadera
i am a little girl
i have a little thing
when i go to bed i put my finger in
now i am much older my thing has lost its charm
now it takes 5 finger and half my f***ing arm
Klara Dobison (She says "its not really limeric but its gud")
i am a jamaican
i live in a tree
i sell rubber jonnies for 99p
some for a fiver and some for a bob
it all depends on the size of your knob
Klara Dobison (She says "its not really limeric but its gud")
in Jamaca under a tree
they sell condoms for under 5p
big ones short ones thin or thick
it all depends on the size of your dick
Becca and katie
There was a young girl named Louise
Who’s pubes hung down to her knees
The crabs got together
To knit her a sweater
So in winter her twat wouldn’t freeze.
From Michelle Roper
There was a young man from Australia
who painted his arse like a dahlia
tuppence a smell
went down very well
but thrupence a lick was a failure
Tracey (with a suggested completion by Craig Rennie and John MacDonald)
There once was a man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Within half and hour
His balls were a flower
And his dick was covered with weeds
David Simpson
There was a gay bishop of Reading
Who gave good advice at a wedding
He said "you will find
If you go in from behind
It makes less of a mess on the bedding"!
Jim Thorne
There was a young man called Nick Cheek,
Whose sphincter was terribly weak.
He went to Ray’s Place,
Where he stuffed his face,
Thus causing his bottom to leak
O’Neill, Stensones and Fosdick
There once was a man from Gosham,
Who took out his bollocks to wash ’em,
His wife said "Jack!,
If you don't put 'em back,
I’ll stand on the bastards and squash ’em!".
Beer Monkey
There was a young lady called Annie,
who kept several pence up her fanny,
If you asked her for change,
She would do something strange,
with a walking stick owned by her granny.
Dave L
There was a young man from Bombay
Who shagged 20 chickens a day
He wouldn’t stop fucking
Till they all started clucking
Then he’d eat all the eggs that they lay
There was a young man for nunkeeling
who had a flat cock that was peeling
he had left it to dangle
and it got stuck in a mangle
and left him with no perceivable feeling!
There once was a fellow called Cheek,
Whose physique was kept at a peak,
but decline due to ale,
late nights without fail,
mean his body is now an antique
Suzanne Nichols
There was a young girl from Neith,
who enjoyed nibbling cock with her teeth,
it wasn’t for fame or love of the game,
but to get to the cheese underneath
Jamie Heath
There was a young man named bill,
who swallowed a dynamite pill,
his heart retired,
his bum backfired,
and his willy shot over the hill
Jamie Heath
There was a young man named Crocket,
who built a 30 foot rocket,
The rocket went bang,
his bollock went twang,
and his prick ended up in his pocket
Jamie Heath
There was a young fellow called Cheek,
Whose bladder was known to be weak,
After too many Stella’s,
He sprayed all us fellas,
And the cheese that he got from the Greek
Steve Taylor
There was a young lad from Westphalia,
Who painted his bum like a dahlia,
Whilst streaking at cricket,
A wasp stung his wicket,
And the whole thing was deemed a great failure.
Chris Wilkinson
There was an old lady from Hubberholme,
Who had oral sex with a rubber gnome,
The silicone dick,
made her feel very sick,
and it squirted all over another gnome
Roy Littlewood & Chris Wilkinson
This was a young fellow named Paul,
Couldn’t rely on his ring-piece at all,
When he sat on the loo,
It went slightly askew,
And splattered some poo on the wall.
Nick Cheek
The was an old codger called Rager,
In an accident lost both his nadgers,
But despite the lack,
Of sperm in his sack,
He still enjoyed growling at badgers.
Nick Cheek
An unfortunate fellow called Pippin,
Indulged in too much Guinness sipping,
His stools were so large,
Some big as a barge,
A definite hazard to shipping.
Nick Cheek
Last week when I went to see Granny,
She showed me her musical fanny,
It played me Beethoven,
Amazed me with Chopin,
And Chopsticks upon the piany.
Nick Cheek
There once was a woman in a pub
who on her breast had the price of ale
and so to be kind to the blind
she had the same in brail
Bobby Smith
My friend Bob sucked on his Nob
all day and all night long
until his friend Pat said
Don’t do it like that
take of that thong and learn from John
John Smith
If you want to be my lover
sex is 50p
condoms are £1.50
buy one
get one free
John Smith
There was a young man called Bob who had rather a peculiar job
he tried smoking a joint but it got to the point
where he couldn’t cope smoking the dope
John Smith
There was a man called bob
who had rather a peculiar shaped nob
it was shaped like a tripod
and smelled like a cod
and about the same size as a rod
John Smith
there was a young maiden called Jill
who tried a dynamite for a thrill
they found her vagina in north Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil
Emma French
there once was a man from Kentucky
who wanted to screw with a ducky
as he snuck to the duck
he bit off his fuck
and he said "damn, is my timng sucky"
Dr. monster
There once was a man called Dave
who dug up a whore in a grave
she was mouldy as shit
and missing a tit
but look at the money he saved
WFC Dave
Old mother Riley
she had a fat cow
she wanted to milk it but she didn’t know how
she pulled it’s tail instead of its tits
and old mother Riley got covered in shit!!
Becca and Katie
There once was a man from Beijing,
Who invented the wanking machine.
On the 31st stroke
The fucking thing broke
And whipped his balls into cream.
There was an old women with saggy boobs
she always watched the hoobs,
she went for a wee.
but her boob itched from a flea,
and out squirted her milk
Billy
I dreamt I was tickling my grandaddy’s balls with a piece of string and a feather
when he awoke he found it no joke
as he was tanning my arse with leather
Katie and becca
There was a young lady from Eeling who had a peculiar feeling
she lay on her back and opened her crack
and came all over the ceiling
Darren Griffiths
there was a wee man called Hank,
who went to school in a tank,
his teacher came out,
hit him a clout,
he said "fuck off i’m havin a wank"
Benny Doherty
The men who worked in the pits,
Used to cough and splutter in fits,
Sometimes they would take the piss,
And give there wives a kiss,
Before bending over and dropping the shits.
Benny Doherty
My wife was born in the south,
In a pretty town called Louth,
The first time she opened the door,
I thought,"yes,a dirty wee whore"
As she shoved my dick in her mouth
Benny Doherty
next door theres a beautiful cat,
who lies all day asleep on a mat,
her owner’s an old dear,
who suddenly turned queer,
and she shoved the cat up her twat
Benny Doherty
It was a fine day in June
It must have been mid afternoon
As time flew by
I let out a sigh
And decided to go to the saloon
There was an old man from Harrow
Who tried to have sex with a sparrow.
The sparrow said "No,
You can’t have a go,
As the hole in my arse is too narrow".
Smudge
There was a young lady from the Izores,
who’s fanny was covered in sores,
the dogs in the street, wouldn’t eat the green meat,
or the bits that hung down from her drawers.
Neil G
There was a young man from Bombay
who made a false fanny out of clay
but the heat from his dick
turned it into a brick
and wore all his foreskin away
Paul
There was a guy called Pete
Who’s website was a treat
It was full of fun and stories of scum
but not one bum or teat
Ray
There once was a man from Kilcair
Who was doing his wife on the stair
the banister broke while he was mid poke
so he finished her off in the air.
Jason Hope
There once a girl from Kilrealin
Who was thrown into jail for stealing
She layed on her back
And tickled her crack
And came all over the ceiling
Jason Hope
a horny woman named Lil
fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina in north Carolina
and bits of her tit in Brazil
Emma
My name is Mike
I’m such a dike.
I don’t suck a ball
I suck’m all
They all look alike.
Mike Dugen
The young lady got swept by the tide,
I saved her and was full of pride,
She gave me her thanks,
Along with 2 wanks,
But i really wanted a ride
Benny Doherty
I have a mad uncle called Lexie,
Whose wife Anna was far from sexy,
When he made love to the hag,
He put her head in a bag,
And shagged her big bro’Dexy
Benny Doherty
There was an alien from Mars
Who abducted a man called Lars
He probed the man’s crack
Then Lars probed him back
Now he hangs out in gay bars
Ray
Jude and Kevin were stuck up a tree,
Said Kevin "Jude,I need to pee",
Outta the tree Jude did flip,
On the ground he does strip,
"C’mon bigboy,you can pee over me"
Benny Doherty
I have a new mucker called Jude,
Picks his snotters and has it as food,
He drives a fork truck,
Jims cock he does suck,
Dosnt swallow,hes such a prude.
Benny Doherty
My young nephew,he is called Shay,
Still lookin for his very first lay,
When he looked at his nuts,
He thought they would bust,
So got a hooker and rode her all day.
Benny Doherty
He said i’m king of the rhyme,
Usually pissed on vodka and lime,
I think he’s called Peter,
His dick’s a full metre,
Maybe he’ll show us sometime.
Benny Doherty
big Benny is his name,
snorting Eddie’s powder is his game,
he’s at it all day,
he’s on it all night,
Jesus he even needs a bag to shite!
Jude Proctor
There was a young lady from Leeds,
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
in less than an hour,
her tits were in flower,
and her arse was full of weeds
Laura P
Jude Procter was a lazy sod,
Didn’t give a damn about god,
He hated going to pray,
During mass he roared "HEY"!
"I’m going to become a prod".
Benny Doherty
The hooker next door loves Peter,
His dick is dying to meet her,
He met her when full,
His cock she did pull,
He shot a load more than a litre.
Benny Doherty
There was a young man from Aberystwyth,
Who invited a girl to play whist with,
When they finished with that
they sat on the mat,
And played with the things that they pissed with.
Bazza
There was a old man from Calcutta,
Who was found lying dead in a gutter,
The heat from the sun,
Burned a hole in his bum,
And melted his bollocks like butter.
Andy Woon
There was a young man from Bude,
Who fingered his girlfriend in queues,
A man at the front Said,
"Can I smell a c***?"
Like that, out loud, how rude....
Bob dole
There was a young women from Ealing,
Who had a very bad feeling,
She rolled on her back,
Opened her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling!
Simon Morgan
There once was a man called Dave,
Who dug up a prostitutes grave,
She was as mouldy as shit,
And missing a tit,
But look at the money he saved
Kirsty and Nigel
My neighbour thinks he’s a monk,
But to me he gave a big gonk,
While out earning my pay,
My wife he did lay,
And covered her face with spunk.
Benny Doherty
Oh,Stensones wot a wonderful site,
Posting limericks by day or by night,
The owner is named Cool Peter,
Whose appearance could be neater,
But he says, "I DONT GIVE A SHITE".
Benny Doherty
There was an old man from Dass,
Who’s balls were made out of Brass,
In Windy weather,
they clanked together,
and sparks came out of his ass.
Always pissed I loved my lass Betty,
Both rubbered we wed on a jetty,
But i gave up the beer,
And saw her so clear,
"HOLY FUCK" she looked like a Yeti.
Benny "limerick king" Doherty
The hardest man in my hometown of Derry,
Is a brawler called Crazy Cunt Gerry,
But in a disco last night,
He lost his nuts in a fight,
And became Gerry the Hard Punchin’ Fairy
Benny "limerick king" Doherty
There was once a man from nantucket,
whose cock was so long he could suck it,
he said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin,
if my arse was a cunt I’d fuck it.
Kieran Denman
There was a young lover of rubbermaid,
Long hours and late nights she slaved,
To make an obscene,
Vibrating machine,
Then locked in her bedroom she stayed!
Tom
when working in cold climes abroad
a fanny’s the thing if you’re bald
the hair from a twat
makes a lovely warm hat
with a button to push if you’re bored
Mr M Clarke
there was a young man from kent,
who wrapped up his dog in a tent,
one day in the sun it ran off with a nun,
and he never worked out why it went
Becca and Katie
there was a young man from trent
who covered his cat with cement
one day in the sun it blew up like a gun
and he never worked out where it went
Becca and Katie
There once was a lady from Crewe Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in
They can pay to get out of it too!"
Justin
There was a man from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
In less than an hour,
His cock was a flower,
And his arse got covered in weeds.
Gaynor Morgan
there once was a man from china,
who wasnt a very good climber,
he sliped on a rock,
and split open his cock,
and now hes got a vagina
Josh Hillman
At last I’ve found a good site.
I’ve been looking all bloody night.
I badly needed porn,
So I could play with my horn,
So this is really a big load of shite.
BENNY "he’s back" DOHERTY
There was an old lady from eeling
who had a perculier feeling
so she opened her crack
and got on her back
and pissed all over the ceiling
Raif Weaver
There once was a man from China,
Who was'nt a very good climber,
He slipped on a rock,
And cut off his cock,
And now he has a vagina.
Charley and Luke and Claire Elise Lewis
There was an old hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave,
He said with a grin,
I know it's a sin,
But think of the money I save!
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it!
There once was a young man from Densil,
Whose cock as was sharp as a pencil,
On the night of his wed,
He jumped into bed,
And shattered the bedroom utensil.
There once was a woman begat
Who had triplets called Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was easy breeding,
Though it was hell feeding,
When they weren't enought tit for Tat.
Miss Superman
There once was a young man from Trent,
Whose member was noticeably bent.
When she stroked it he shuddered,
But she only muttered,
"I thought he would come but he went."
Peter Horowitz
There was a young man from Ostend
Who had quite a cheesey bell-end
It smelled of strong gouder
With a hint of clam chowder
And his fromage would tend to offend!
Chris Wilkinson & Justin "Lighning" Hopkins
An unfortunate man from nunkeeling.
who had a flat cock that was healing
he had left it to dangle
and it got stuck in a mangle
and left him with no percievable feeling!
Chris Wilkinson
A old man from Blakey Ridge
Got his balls trapped in a fridge
They've been stuck there for hours
Despite all of his powers
I think they'll drop off in a smidge
Chris Wilkinson
Care to add you own? Send me your submission and you might get published. Provide a name or a link to your site or tell me if you want anonymity.
